Time

Time is such a crazy thing.  When you are waiting for the end of the work day, it drags, but when you are spending time with a close friend, hours can pass in what feels like minutes.

It has been over 3 months now since my surgery, and I am down about 65 pounds.  I am less than 5 months away from my wedding, and exactly 7 days from completing my first 5K.  It is quite amazing to see how much my life has changed.

Today, I spent almost 3 hours outside working in the yard.  For those of you who do not actually know me, you would not imagine that is a big deal, but for this girl it really is.  I have always said that I don't do manual labor, but now that I am physically capable of doing it, I can see that it was simply a way to not being embarassed by my inability.  Sound strange?  Yeah, to be on this side of it, I can see it as well.  When you are over 330 pounds, standing at 5 foot 4, it is about coping.  Yes, the fresh air will do me good, I have heard it a million times, but the emotional cost of being seen as the weak link was simply unbearable.  It was much easier to just take myself out of the situation.

It feels good to live.  I listened to my app that was telling me how long it I was "walking" for, and even, and every 5 minutes that passed, I had to smile to myself, because I was still okay.  I did not once have to sit down and rest, nor did I come up with an excuse to go inside and disapear.  Instead, I walked from once side of the house to the other, dragging branches.  All in all, I walked over 3.1 miles before my phone died.

I have lost so many moments hiding from the things that I couldn't do. Now, I will do all that I can for every second that I can enjoy with my family, friends, and anything else that comes along in my future.

5 weeks

Yesterday was my 5 week surgiversary!  I bumped up my workout to 2 miles this week, plus have added on arms.  The surgeon said that I don't have any lifting restrictions and to continue doing as I am.  My official 1 month post op showed me down 35 pounds, but more importantly, my BMI is down by 7 points. 

I'm making progress everyday with my protein and liquid intake.  I have stopped taking one of my BP meds and cannot wait to keep getting more healthy!!!

Things are great, but may never be the same....

It is just under 7 months until my wedding day.  Plans are heavily underway, my dress is picked out, and all of our attendants are going to pick theirs out in just two weeks.  The problem is that I still cannot get over the fact that my friend that I considered to be my “person”, will not be involved in any of it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for all 5 of my ladies that will be standing up with me.  But, it breaks my heart that Kris will not be there with me.

I know, without a doubt that it was the right decision for me to take back the offer for her to be in the wedding.  I at no time, would be comfortable with making her choose between me and her religious views, though, I wish that I had a bit of a clue of those feelings before I put myself out there and  asked. 

Due to me being a pretty opinionated person, I have about 100 points that I could give to show her how my marriage is not wrong, but in the end, that would not be fair.  I do not want to convince someone that I should be allowed to be married, and within a few years, hopefully we will look back and wonder why same sex marriage was ever banned to begin with.

Due to the reaction of her, my outlook on being honest about my true self has changed.  There are times that I now wonder if I should come out at work, or if someone asks me if I am single, I hesitate on to be honest or not.  It is one thing when a person on the street is spewing hate, it is another when someone that you love says that you are not worthy of something that is standard in the straight world.

The planning will continue, and the wedding will be perfect, but it will not change that there is a whole left in my heart by Kris telling me that she does not believe in my marriage…in honesty, I hope that she comes to the wedding, if she chooses not to, I am not sure that there is any going back on that.

206 days until I will be joined forever to BJB!

4 week update

Things are going well, it is hard to believe that it has been 4 weeks since my surgery already.  I have been taking weekly photos, mostly just for myself so that I am able to see if there are any changes.  For the most part, I realize how much I look like a combintation of my parents.  When I look in the mirror, it is normally my mom looking back at me, but when I look at myself in pictures, it is always my dad.  And, it could be worse on both accounts!  :)

 Above are the pictures from the hospital, two weeks out, and three weeks out.  Below is the picture that I took today, 4 weeks out.  On Friday, (a month), I will check my measurements again and compare them to where I was pre-op!  I am most excited for that!

3 weeks to a healthier me!

It has been awhile since I have posted.  On 1/14/14, I had the vertical sleeve gastrostomy done.  It is more commonly known as “the sleeve”.  It is one of the more popular bariatric surgeries at this time, and the perfect one for me.  I already am anemic, so having the gastric bypass was out of the question, and the idea of having a foreign object in my body with the lap-band is also not appealing.  I started the process last May, when my weight continued to move up.  I have struggled with my weight since high school, and no matter what plan or diet I was on, the number never seemed to go down.

So, I am 3 weeks post-op today.  I have only good things to say about my surgeon, his staff, and the hospital.  I stayed two nights, even though my stubborn ass wanted to come home after just one night. I have had very little pain or nausea since I have been home.   I am trying to get in the habit of working out.  I am getting 30 minutes on the treadmill, most every day.  It isn’t much, but it is more than what I was doing a month ago. 

I have signed up to do the Maple Syrup 5K at the end of April.  I knew for sure that I wanted to do one, and that seems like the perfect one to do.   I have not been to a Maple Syrup since I was in high school.  I really don’t enjoy spending a lot of time in the town, because I have been so embarrassed of my weight and running into people that I know.  But it is a different me now!  And it isn’t about the weight that I have lost, it is about the fact that for the first time in a long time, I feel worthy.  There are many factors that lead to that.

I am now openly engaged to my love, and there is no need to hide.  I am working on being a healthier version of myself, and there is no need to hide.  I am a good person, and there is NO NEED TO HIDE!

Goodbye 2013, hello forever!

What a wild year 2013 has been!  I started a new job, moved, and got engaged!  Today is the last day of the year, and am looking back at the roller coaster.  There were times that I didn’t know how I would make it through the day, but here I am!  HERE I AM!  I am a survivor.  In comparison to others, my journey is not hard, but it has taken strength, guidance, and faith in something bigger than me. 

2014 is going to be amazing, there will be some really great things, but I know that there will still be challenges.  I will still wonder how I will make it through, but the difference is that I have, my love, that will be standing next to me the entire time.

In just two short weeks, I will be going in to have the gastric sleeve procedure.  I have struggled for so long with my weight; I am looking forward to being able to live, rather than waiting to die.  I am confident that my surgeon is the best in his field and that everything will go smoothly.  I am hoping to be able to come back to work in a week, though, people don’t seem to believe how serious I am!

In March, my fiancée and I will be going to New York, to get our marriage licenses, since in Michigan, same sex marriage is still not legal. And then finally in September, I will marry the woman that I love, in front of our friends and family. 

I will not make a resolution for this year; instead I will make a promise to myself.  Keep moving forward, with faith in myself.

No judgement needed!

I have struggled with my weight since graduating high school, but was aware of it for as long I can remember.  As a young girl I can remember a family member saying, she would be cute, if she was smaller.  It was just a passing statement, to person that said it, but I have heard it on repeat for the next 20 years. 

About a year ago I made the decision that I was going to pursue having weight loss surgery.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I do not just jump into things.  I did a large amount of research before I even mentioned it to my doctor. 

In the time since high school, I have tried many different ways of losing weight. I tried pills, diets, working out, WW, and basically starving myself.  My reality is that when these things didn’t work, it made me feel bad about myself, and feeling bad, made me want to feel good about myself.  Some people shop to feel good, as a big girl, that just compounds the loathing…I chose to eat!  Yes, that is right, the thing that brings pain, also makes it go away.

I have been able to use my weight to decide that I was not worthy.  In relationships and in life in general, I told myself that I was not good enough because I am fat.  I avoided making new friends, because I am sure that they aren’t going to like me, because I am fat. People can talk down to me, because I am fat. People can judge me, because I am fat.  The truth is, I hated myself, because I am fat.

I am now out about 4 weeks from my surgery date, and I realize how far I have come in this last year.  I thought that I would be so excited to be skinny after having it done.  But being so close, I am really excited to be a healthy weight, so that I can enjoy the life that is in front of me.  I have a wedding to plan for and hopefully kids to chase in my future.

In the midst of my self-loathing, I have found someone that loves me no matter what my size is.  I am thankful that I was able to open my eyes to see that I am worthy. 

I have had people that don’t know anything about me ask if I am sure that I want to have the surgery.  And have had people tell me that it is the worst thing that I can do and there are complications that could happen.

There is no doubt for me that it will be a step in the right direction.  I have never been looking for an easy fix, but I have realized that I need help, and I was finally strong enough to ask for it.  People large and small have body issues.  There are big girls that eat salads, and there are small girls that have candy bars for breakfast.

What I know is that I have several weight related illnesses, and take 5 medications daily.  That is not the life that I want for myself.  I don’t want to look back on anymore of my life and feel like I was hiding behind my fat.

Making the decision to have a life altering surgery is not something to take lightly.  But, it is also not something that you should tell people that they should not do.  When I was told by an honest to goodness stranger, that I just have not tried hard enough, I wanted to cause them physical harm.  This decision could SAVE MY LIFE!  I know that there are people out there that can lose weight just by diet and exercise, but that does not work for everyone.  From the forums, communications, and support group that I have been a part of, I realize that all kinds of people have this surgery done.  And I am quite excited to be one of the statistics of the people that are happy with their decision.

32 days go to!