No judgement needed!

I have struggled with my weight since graduating high school, but was aware of it for as long I can remember.  As a young girl I can remember a family member saying, she would be cute, if she was smaller.  It was just a passing statement, to person that said it, but I have heard it on repeat for the next 20 years. 

About a year ago I made the decision that I was going to pursue having weight loss surgery.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I do not just jump into things.  I did a large amount of research before I even mentioned it to my doctor. 

In the time since high school, I have tried many different ways of losing weight. I tried pills, diets, working out, WW, and basically starving myself.  My reality is that when these things didn’t work, it made me feel bad about myself, and feeling bad, made me want to feel good about myself.  Some people shop to feel good, as a big girl, that just compounds the loathing…I chose to eat!  Yes, that is right, the thing that brings pain, also makes it go away.

I have been able to use my weight to decide that I was not worthy.  In relationships and in life in general, I told myself that I was not good enough because I am fat.  I avoided making new friends, because I am sure that they aren’t going to like me, because I am fat. People can talk down to me, because I am fat. People can judge me, because I am fat.  The truth is, I hated myself, because I am fat.

I am now out about 4 weeks from my surgery date, and I realize how far I have come in this last year.  I thought that I would be so excited to be skinny after having it done.  But being so close, I am really excited to be a healthy weight, so that I can enjoy the life that is in front of me.  I have a wedding to plan for and hopefully kids to chase in my future.

In the midst of my self-loathing, I have found someone that loves me no matter what my size is.  I am thankful that I was able to open my eyes to see that I am worthy. 

I have had people that don’t know anything about me ask if I am sure that I want to have the surgery.  And have had people tell me that it is the worst thing that I can do and there are complications that could happen.

There is no doubt for me that it will be a step in the right direction.  I have never been looking for an easy fix, but I have realized that I need help, and I was finally strong enough to ask for it.  People large and small have body issues.  There are big girls that eat salads, and there are small girls that have candy bars for breakfast.

What I know is that I have several weight related illnesses, and take 5 medications daily.  That is not the life that I want for myself.  I don’t want to look back on anymore of my life and feel like I was hiding behind my fat.

Making the decision to have a life altering surgery is not something to take lightly.  But, it is also not something that you should tell people that they should not do.  When I was told by an honest to goodness stranger, that I just have not tried hard enough, I wanted to cause them physical harm.  This decision could SAVE MY LIFE!  I know that there are people out there that can lose weight just by diet and exercise, but that does not work for everyone.  From the forums, communications, and support group that I have been a part of, I realize that all kinds of people have this surgery done.  And I am quite excited to be one of the statistics of the people that are happy with their decision.

32 days go to!