Goodbye 2013, hello forever!

What a wild year 2013 has been!  I started a new job, moved, and got engaged!  Today is the last day of the year, and am looking back at the roller coaster.  There were times that I didn’t know how I would make it through the day, but here I am!  HERE I AM!  I am a survivor.  In comparison to others, my journey is not hard, but it has taken strength, guidance, and faith in something bigger than me. 

2014 is going to be amazing, there will be some really great things, but I know that there will still be challenges.  I will still wonder how I will make it through, but the difference is that I have, my love, that will be standing next to me the entire time.

In just two short weeks, I will be going in to have the gastric sleeve procedure.  I have struggled for so long with my weight; I am looking forward to being able to live, rather than waiting to die.  I am confident that my surgeon is the best in his field and that everything will go smoothly.  I am hoping to be able to come back to work in a week, though, people don’t seem to believe how serious I am!

In March, my fiancée and I will be going to New York, to get our marriage licenses, since in Michigan, same sex marriage is still not legal. And then finally in September, I will marry the woman that I love, in front of our friends and family. 

I will not make a resolution for this year; instead I will make a promise to myself.  Keep moving forward, with faith in myself.

No judgement needed!

I have struggled with my weight since graduating high school, but was aware of it for as long I can remember.  As a young girl I can remember a family member saying, she would be cute, if she was smaller.  It was just a passing statement, to person that said it, but I have heard it on repeat for the next 20 years. 

About a year ago I made the decision that I was going to pursue having weight loss surgery.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I do not just jump into things.  I did a large amount of research before I even mentioned it to my doctor. 

In the time since high school, I have tried many different ways of losing weight. I tried pills, diets, working out, WW, and basically starving myself.  My reality is that when these things didn’t work, it made me feel bad about myself, and feeling bad, made me want to feel good about myself.  Some people shop to feel good, as a big girl, that just compounds the loathing…I chose to eat!  Yes, that is right, the thing that brings pain, also makes it go away.

I have been able to use my weight to decide that I was not worthy.  In relationships and in life in general, I told myself that I was not good enough because I am fat.  I avoided making new friends, because I am sure that they aren’t going to like me, because I am fat. People can talk down to me, because I am fat. People can judge me, because I am fat.  The truth is, I hated myself, because I am fat.

I am now out about 4 weeks from my surgery date, and I realize how far I have come in this last year.  I thought that I would be so excited to be skinny after having it done.  But being so close, I am really excited to be a healthy weight, so that I can enjoy the life that is in front of me.  I have a wedding to plan for and hopefully kids to chase in my future.

In the midst of my self-loathing, I have found someone that loves me no matter what my size is.  I am thankful that I was able to open my eyes to see that I am worthy. 

I have had people that don’t know anything about me ask if I am sure that I want to have the surgery.  And have had people tell me that it is the worst thing that I can do and there are complications that could happen.

There is no doubt for me that it will be a step in the right direction.  I have never been looking for an easy fix, but I have realized that I need help, and I was finally strong enough to ask for it.  People large and small have body issues.  There are big girls that eat salads, and there are small girls that have candy bars for breakfast.

What I know is that I have several weight related illnesses, and take 5 medications daily.  That is not the life that I want for myself.  I don’t want to look back on anymore of my life and feel like I was hiding behind my fat.

Making the decision to have a life altering surgery is not something to take lightly.  But, it is also not something that you should tell people that they should not do.  When I was told by an honest to goodness stranger, that I just have not tried hard enough, I wanted to cause them physical harm.  This decision could SAVE MY LIFE!  I know that there are people out there that can lose weight just by diet and exercise, but that does not work for everyone.  From the forums, communications, and support group that I have been a part of, I realize that all kinds of people have this surgery done.  And I am quite excited to be one of the statistics of the people that are happy with their decision.

32 days go to!

I am going to be different...

When I initially decided to have a blog, it was to be used as a form of theapy.  And, I was going to be different...I was going to share my thoughts on all the things that matter, and some that don't.  I was going to be different than every other time when I bought a new diary and wrote in it for only a month.

Turns out I am not different.  My life has changed a lot in the last 6 months since I made an entry.  My baby sister has graduated college, I have a half-brother that is less than a year younger than I am that I have been in contact with, and I have a brand new nephew.  Oh, and a new job that I love...

I am going to be better about keeping this updated, but I now realize, there is no reason for me to be different than I was, or ever will be!

This is me and Alexander Michael.  He was born on 7/8/13.  This day is the one year anniversary of my dear friend Casee's death.  It is also the day before my dad's birthday (Vincent Alexander)  He is so special, and I just cannot get enough time with him!

Relay for Life

How many days?

Can you say how many days is enough in this world? How many good mornings, or hellos, or how many goodnight kisses a parent should have left to give their young children?

 

Cancer has the ability to dictate how many more days we have, though it never is enough.

Two years ago, I was reminded of how important fighting daily was, by the strength of Casee. Last year, my thoughts were sad about how she had been here just days before, but now her battle was over. This year and in the future, I will continue to fight in her honor.

Casee had her number of days to teach us all a lesson in life, and in a way, she will always be a survivor, even though she is not here any longer. My mom also will always be a survivor. Both of these women have taken what cancer gave them, and fought it for all that it was worth.

For me, Relay for Life gives me a tangible way of expressing my gratitude to fighters, survivors, and care givers.

I have lost too many people in my life to cancer to pretend that it won't happen to me or someone that I care about. So, I do everything in my power to advocate for not only more days, but more weeks, and more years through research for a cure.

Every dollar that you are able to donate makes a difference. Thanks to others like you, my mother has been cancer free for years. She has had enough days to watch her children grow, graduate college, have children, and soon get married. There is no price that I can put on those things, and am thankful that she is not limited in days by cancer.

 

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/sheilahodge